My patient, deteriorating from COVID, required transfer to the ICU,
Repeating to myself, “I should have done more,”
This can’t be coming true,
Fighting the thoughts of guilt and self-blame becomes a chore,
I continued to follow my patient,
After switching from the COVID step-down service,
The immense pitting in my stomach latent,
But burning like a furnace,
I’ll never forget when I was working a shift in the E.D.
While chart scrolling my ICU patient, I see Withdrawal of Care,
In that moment, excruciating pain no one else could see,
Until reading the words again, I began gasping for air,
Lump in my throat, tears spilling down my face,
“What’s wrong,” asks my attending,
“In the gut, I have been hit with a mace,”
“My patient’s life is soon ending,”
“I admitted him from the very beginning”
“Go to him, if you so wish, to say goodbye,”
My desire to say farewell was brimming
Following him closely this whole time, I so strongly hoped my
patient wouldn’t die,
As I arrived at the ICU, things looked different,
Impossible to misconstrue was a strange chair outside his room –
fate was eminent,
Coming up to me, a resident says: “she’s coming back – his wife,”
“I would like to talk to her,”
“Right now, she is not blithe,”
“Please, only quick and sincere thoughts I would like to confer,”
The wife returns, looking at me with a partial frown,
She watches me muster up the courage to speak with increasing curiosity,
“I cared for your husband every day in step-down,”
“My being here is evidence that he is good man, this I want you to see,”
Both our eyes starting to water, we embraced each other and cried,
And she held my hand saying: “I want you to stay with me,”
Withdrawing care, together we stood as he died,
Medicine can burn many out – associating this field with much pain,
Like the Sahara after a drought -- one’s ability to deflect the negative aspects of this career can sometimes wane,
But, drawing upon this meaningful experience,
Reminds me that this profession is indeed worthwhile,
The honorable duty to each patient illuminates my life’s meaning with refulgence,
Bittersweetly reflecting upon his memory, I cannot help but smile.